11 Not-So-Happy Implications From Once Upon A Time

If you're tuning in to Once Upon a Time expecting a happy, fluffy fairy tale, think again. Here are eleven not-so-happy implications from ABC's new hit TV show.

#11 Emma Took Her Grandmother's Lover

Regina is Emma's grandmother by marriage, which is strange enough all by itself but when you add the fact that Graham [Regina's lover] and Emma have the hots for each other, it makes the whole scenario worthy of an episode of Maury.

Maybe it's for the best that Graham is gone. It would avoid any future Maury moments like...

Graham, you ARE the father!

Maury's guests react to the results of the DNA test.

#10 The Evil Queen is Watching

The Evil Queen has her very own, personal, all-seeing Eye of Sauron.

It seems as if the Evil Queen's Magic Mirror can and does channel itself through any mirror, enabling The Evil Queen to see whomever and wherever she wishes. Let the implications of that sink in for a bit.

I'm watching you...

#9 Geppetto Was Raised By An Insect

Geppetto's parents are dead thanks to Jiminy and his parents. We haven't been shown who, if anyone, took Geppetto in after he was orphaned. But we can assume that Jiminy Cricket found him and became a big part of his childhood. Jiminy Cricket may have been the closest thing to a parent Geppetto knew since the death of his own. Some of you might be saying, "What's the big deal? It was Jiminy Cricket. He's a good guy." Sure, it was Jiminy Cricket—and despite his past—he is a good guy, but he's still a—freakin'—insect!

Babysitters?

There are many times in a young boy's life when an actual human being might've been handy. I'm sure there were plenty of "crickets" moments.

Jiminy, can you help me fetch some water? Oh... right.

*crickets*

#8 The Huntsman Becomes The Evil Queen's Pet Sex Slave

This is probably a dream come true for some, but think about it beyond, "Oooh, The Evil Queen is so hot!" What if the roles were reversed and it were a man forcing himself upon a captive woman anytime he wished? Unless you're depraved, you can see the horror in this situation.

Maybe I should've made a whistle for myself as well.

#7 The Evil Queen's Vault Is Lined With Drawers

—lots and lots of small drawers, which wouldn't be bad if the drawers contained the royal jewels or other valuable items befitting a vault. But we see exactly what The Evil Queen has in those drawers. How many of those drawers are full? How many victims have filled their drawers before having their hearts yanked out? eek!

The most macabre safe deposit box room. Ever.

#6 Snow White Was Post-Pregnant For 28 Years

Snow White gave birth immediately before The Dark Curse stormed in like Dorothy's tornado and carried them away to our world. Any woman who has given birth knows that your baby-birthing parts hurt like—well, they hurt like you just pushed an eight pound blob of slimy flesh through them.

Ahhhhhh! Get me to Storybrooke. I need an epidural!

It takes weeks for a woman to fully recover from giving birth. We know that Charming was in the same medical condition [unconscious] he was in before The Curse. We've also seen that Ella remained in the same medical condition [preggers] she was in before The Curse took them away, so it's not far fetched to assume that Snow White was also in the same medical condition [post-preggers] that she was in before the curse—for twenty-eight years. Ouch. While we're on the subject, where the heck did her post-pregnancy belly go?

Speaking of Cinderella and pregnancy...

#5 Ella Was Pregnant For 28 Years.

Enough said.

Elephants ain't got nothing on me.

#4 What Happened To Pinocchio?

In Fairy Tale Land, he was the happy little boy by Geppetto's side. In Storybrooke, Geppetto tells Emma he's childless. If Marco is childless, that implies that Pinocchio:
[a] is an unhappy orphan in Storybrooke.
[b] died in Fairy Tale Land and therefore didn't make it to Storybrooke.
[c] *gulp* he is a life-size, creepy-looking puppet in Marco's home or a life-size, creepy-looking puppet in Mr. Gold's possession.
*Update*
[d] They lied about the wardrobe's capacity limit and Pinocchio came to our world where he ditched Emma and globetrotted for twenty-eight years until he needed to come back to Storybrooke to convince Emma of her saviorhood. He failed and was turned to wood again... but that would be silly, right? ... Right?

I'm not creepy at all. Nope.

#3 Ruby Gives The Name Red Riding Hood A Whole New Meaning

• Take 1 pretty girl, add just a pinch of clothing and heavy make-up.
• Mix in some all-nighters [not the study kind] then add a pound of shameless flirtation.
• Add these quotes about said girl, "You were out all night and now you're going out again," and, "I'm sorry that my heart attack interrupted your plans to sleep your way down the eastern seaboard."
• Let it all marinate in The Dark Curse for twenty-eight years and what do you get?

#2 Emma's Kiss Brings Back Memories

Graham kissed Emma briefly and his memories began to emerge. Later, they shared a longer kiss and Graham suddenly remembered everything. This seems to suggest that kissing Emma will restore memories.

So, uh... Henry told me that Graham kissed you and he remembered Fairy Tale Land. Sooo, I was thinking, in the interest of science and breaking the curse—and for Henry's sake, of course—that maybe we should...

#1 Mr. Gold is The Godfather

At first glance Mr. Gold seems harmless. He's a snappily dressed businessman who walks with a cane. He just needs a top hat and he could be the Monopoly guy, add a monocle and he's the Planter's Peanuts guy. But unlike those popular icons of Americana, Mr. Gold gives off a seedy vibe.

They're practically triplets

Mr. Gold collects rent from nervous renters like a hired goon. He also offers to "fix" the Miss Swan "problem" for Regina—for a price. And he's not above buying and selling babies.

A hand controlling the strings of a puppet. How very appropriate.

I'll make you a deal you can't refuse.